As revelations go, to my utter horror, I have come to realize that maybe the husband and I are over-indulgent parents! I understand that all parents indulge their children, but I use the prefix "over" here to qualify that adjective just an extra bit. I look around us and find we're being no different from all our friends, but why then the nagging feeling that we're succumbing to all the excesses of modern day parenthood? I have always wanted to focus on the emotional health and wellbeing of the kid and thought that was of paramount importance in preparing him for life. Compassion, empathy, and understanding of others' plight ought to be priorities in his life, or so I thought. So when and how did all the material excesses creep in, I ask myself.
As for myself, I was raised by my parents in a manner that erred on the side of a sort of disciplinarianism and puritanism combined. My siblings and I had a daily dose of religion, no nonsense rules, and tough love. For our birthdays, all we got were a new set of clothes, a special meal, and always a book for a gift. No parties, no Barbie dolls, nothing fancy that I can remember. Nevertheless, my parents were never egregiously severe authoritarians, negating their children's right to express an opinion. We were all raised on values that we still hold dear, our lives characterized by clear boundaries and clear sanctions. I do look back on my childhood with fondness and nostalgia to this day, so why and when did I start equating my child's happiness with gifts, gadgets and gizmos galore?!?
My North American friends have bought their sixteen year olds Volvos and BMWs for their birthdays, and parents plan months ahead for their children's birthdays and host these elaborate shindigs complete with a coordinated theme, catered food, and gift bags loaded with goodies. I know parents who rent an entire theatre, video games arcade or bowling alley to entertain their kids' friends and classmates, and richer ones give away iPods in their kids' goodie bags. Though the husband and I have never given in to such excesses, at times we do feel that we have this mistaken notion of giving "reasonable" gifts to the kid as a sop to our consciences, both of us being working parents at that. So it goes that the kid got his first mobile phone when he was eight, and his very own debit card when he was ten. The justification for the former was that he took a 10 minute walk back from school and crossed a 2 minute wooded stretch, and so needed it for safety's sake. As for the latter, the husband said he needed to teach the kid financial responsibility (yeah, right!).
The birthday bashes stopped when the kid turned ten and we explained he was on his way to becoming a young man, and didn't need such frivolities anymore. He was fine with that, I should say. On the one hand, we sit and speak to the kid about the starving children in Africa, wanting to motivate his empathy and cultivate humane feelings in him, yet on the other hand, we give in when he wants the iPod Classic replaced with a Nano, and yet again the Nano with an iPod Touch. The same goes for the Playstation I, II, and III consoles, and need I mention the laptop and the LCD HD TV as well! It never occurs to us why we have to replace a gadget that is in perfect working condition. One week after the iPod Touch was bought, the iPhone was released in Vancouver, and the kid goes, " Man, if I had just waited one more week, I could've gotten the iPhone!" My response to that: " Excuse me! Why would we get a 12 year old an iPhone? Even Dad doesn't have one yet!"
Anyways, the justification for all our excesses is that the kid studies well. We have no excuse to deny him the things he asks for because he delivers when it comes to school work, but we always tell him that these are privileges that he has to earn and not things he can take for granted. We want to be good parents who have instilled values in the kid, and looking around us, we take satisfaction that indulgences, excesses and all, we still have managed to do a decent job so far as parents!
Good thoughts, worth for many a parents to think about!
ReplyDeleteI don't think that the "question of excessess" is important as we look at it. Because, it's an excess when we tend to compare os at their age, years back. I remember, when my parents gifted me a simple calculator, it was a gadget that many did not have and friends questioned them for the necessity of doing it. But now, no one is bothered about a todler playing around with a calculator (computer).