Domestic Abuse Among Immigrants

Being acquainted with international students has always been an enriching experience for me. Not only do I learn about other cultures and ways of life, but I also have an understanding of their inherent struggles as immigrants in a new land and the varied obstacles they face in the acculturation process. Social inclusion does not come easily, and the lack of language skills proves to be a great barrier against comfortable settlement in the adopted country. The absence of a network of friends or support system of any kind adds to their woes, and they are subject to enormous pressure in their daily lives. When life becomes a pressure cooker of survival angsts, the one person someone can take it out on is always the spouse. And if that person is a control freak, and sees that he or she is no longer in control in this new place, then it leads to frustration that can easily escalate into violence and domestic abuse.

Time and time again, I have seen abused husbands and wives who know not what to do or whom to turn to for help, and simply suffer in silence, afraid to speak to anyone or seek help. In many Asian families, the husband is under enormous pressure to succeed and keep the family happy. That means finding a job right away and making money to support the family, which is difficult to achieve because of poor recognition of their foreign credentials and their low proficiency in English. The wife, in this case, who is used to being in control and spending the money the husband makes, goes on to taunt him and become abusive. Sometimes the abuse becomes physical, where the woman rails at the man, taunts him about his manhood, throws things at him or hits him, and threatens to poison him.

In the reverse case, when the husband is a control freak and finds he's going nowhere in the new country, he develops a feeling of inferiority and spirals downward into a morass of frustration and depression, and then starts abusing the wife and children, verbally, physically, and emotionally. Sometimes, the wife is better qualified than the husband, and when she finds a job and starts making money, the man sees himself as worthless and tries to cloak his inferiority by gaining control over her in every aspect of life. He takes over the family finances, controls her money and her freedom, and practically holds her a slave. He knows that she is the breadwinner, but he will brook no argument from her for fear she will wrest control from him, so he continues to subjugate her and dominate over her. If the woman decides to leave him, he then threatens to kill her. Verbal, physical, emotional, and economic abuse is very much an integral part of this household, and it requires enormous strength on the part of the woman to take action against him or leave him. Sometimes children are thrown into the equation, and in this case, the woman continues to stay on in the abusive relationship for the sake of her children. At other times, the woman feels that being separated or divorced is a stigma in society, and chooses to stay with her abusive spouse.

I have seen cases of both male and female control freaks, and always make it a point to lend a patient ear to the victim. Both Canada and the U.S. have many valuable services that offer help against domestic abuse - shelters, safe houses, legal help, training for employment, psychiatric treatment, ongoing counselling, and the like - and I point them out to the victim and encourage them to seek help. When the advice comes from another immigrant like me, it goes a long way in comforting them and giving them hope for rescue, relief, and rehabilitation.